Sunday Before the Surgery

It was the Sunday before surgery. My wife,Sharon came in and asked me if I was going to church.
I felt so bad but I didn't tell her how bad I actually felt or she would have missed the service to stay with me.

I had been faithfully attending even though the pain was so intense that I could barely make it.
Several people told me that they would miss church when they had a headache or a sinus infection but were inspired by my faithfullness even though the cancer was eating out flesh and bones and causing me horrible pain. They said that it made them want to be more faithful and to complain less.

This Sunday was different than any other.

Jesus felt the weight of our sins while on the cross, I felt the weight of the surgery in my body and in my thoughts. "I am going to lose most of my face and part of my brain in just 4 days" The pain was stronger than it had ever been.

While lying in bed I was in so much mental and physical torment. I thought that I was going to go crazy!
Sharon prayed for me, kissed me goodbye and left.She drove off in the car that the Yates let us borrow for traveling, as the car we had wouldn't get us to Atlanta.

I began to cry aloud to Jesus as a child would cry out to his parent before being disciplined,"Lord, I'll be a good boy!!!! I'll be good!!" I continued out in anguish,"I can't handle this Lord, the pain is unbearable! Your word says that you'll never leave or forsake me.., I need to know that you are here!!! You said that you love me more than anyone else loves me..,Lord.., I need you to hold me today, put your arms around me Lord, I need you to love me Lord. I am scared! I need to know that you care and that you are here for me!"

I was having horrible mental pictures of how I was going to look. I was wondering how I would feel. The doctors had just told us that I was going to probably lose my left eye as well as my nose,roof of mouth, top lip, facial bones and part of my brain. Would I be able to smell? understand?
see? walk? talk? "Lord, I need you to hold me! Lord, I need you to love me today!"

I got out of bed and went into the restroom to get tissues for my eyes. I looked into the mirror.

At this time my nose was swollen so much that it would crack and ooze if I barely touched it. It smelled as if a dead animal was always on my face. Several times a day I had to pull chunks of dead flesh and bones through my nostrils. Oh how it hurt and would bleed!

The cancer was causing tremendous headaches. I felt as if my head were going to explode!!

It is hard to describe that pain with mere words!I can only say that it was beyond anything I had ever felt!

A doctor told my wife that it might be compared to a dog just eating your body, bone by bone,inch by inch.

I thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene on that morning. His sweat becoming as great drops of blood. I thought of Him crying out,"Father, if it be your will let this cup pass from me!!! Neverthe less.., not my will but thine.
I asked God to please take this cup from me, I wasn't quite ready to say,"nevertheless."

While gazing into the mirror I heard a voice gently whisper,"Go to church!" The Bible tells us, "They shall know my voice..," I replied, "Lord, I'm a mess. My head hurts so bad! My body is so weak I can't hardly stand, my mind so drained I can hardly think!"

The voice said again,"Go to church!" I looked at the clock and saw that church started in 10 minutes. "How will I make it? I guess I can just wash my hair and throw something on." I got my towel and turned on the water. I bent over to wash my hair and the pounding in my head was echoing my heart beat.In agony i said, "Lord, I can't do this! I'm too weak, I am hurting too bad!" The voice again said,"Go to church" I said, " okay Lord I will go!I was determined! Nothing was going to stop me now!

I realized that it only took me 10 minutes to get ready. I started out to church.
I was hoping I would make it. The closer I got to church the better I started to feel. The pain was easing up.

There were no close parking spaces so I parked in the far lot. As I started across the lot I noticed that my gait was gaining strength as each step brought me nearer to the building.

As I neared the door a church friend came out of the side door. I asked,"What's going on in there?' He told me that the preacher was getting ready to preach.

I walked in and sat down beside Sharon. She exciteldy said,"You're here!! Her smile proved she was glad I was there!She held on to my hand in both of hers.

The sermon was just for me that day. Each scripture and verse ministered to my heart and spirit. I absorbed every word. I finally felt THAT peace that passes all understanding. I KNEW that I would be alright no matter what happened.

The sermon ended and then there was a baptising. The pastor said that he'd be out in a few minutes and for us to sing a couple songs. I decided to leave. I told Sharon that I was going home and she said that she'd see me in a few minutes.

I got up to go, telling no one else that I was leaving. I took a couple steps and a young boy got out of his seat, hugged me and said," I love you Donnie" I took a nother step or two and another child hugged me and said that he loved me. It happened again and again and again.

By the time I reached the door almost every child in that building (from 3 years up to teenage)had gotten up from their seat, walked to me and hugged me telling me that they loved me. It was touching. On the way home I told the Lord that we sure did have some wonderful kids in our church.

When I got home I walked through the living room,through the kitchen, through the bedroom and into the room where I had heard the Lord tell me to go to church.

I leaned over and looked into the mirror just as I had done earlier. I heard a voice speak to me, in an excited whisper." Donnie, How did you like you hugs today?!"

I felt the presence of the Lord right there with me in that room, It poured over me!!

The voice spoke to me again. in that same excited whisper (I was rejoicing) "Donnie, how did you like your love today?!!

I felt the Lord's presence in a way that I never had!

I had asked Him to hold me, to put his arms around me. I asked Him to show me that He loved me and he did just that! Through every child that got up, they had never done it that way before. They didn't even know I was leaving.

I, often, had to go stand in the back or to go to the restroom when the pain would be unbearable.

I firmly believe that God hugged me and told me He loved me through every one of those children.

I rejoiced all that day and while I am telling you about that day I am feeling that same rush of the spirit!

It was worth all the pain that I had to suffer that morning to be able to tell you today that the Lord answers our prayers!

No matter what you are facing, sickness, divorce, death, pain, financial problems, lonliness,losing your face or anything!! Remember, God is still in contol!

He is really here with us and he really cares! Trust Him even when you feel you can't. Be faithful to Him and watch what He can do. Donnie